“…hit in the nuts while playing Nerf football.”
“The Nerf of some people!”
“But, that’s not the worst part of it, Dick.”
“Really? What’s the worst part of it, Dick?”
“He started – umm – he – uhh –”
“Yes?”
“Uhh…”
“You know, Dick, there is such a thing as building up too much anticipation in an audience.”
“I’ve just been fired.”
“What kind of a punchline is that?”
“It’s not a joke. I’ve just been fired.”
“How is that possible? We’re on the air.”
“Management text messaged me on my Blackberry.”
“That’s insane. Let me see that… U R frd. Well, there you go.”
“Where? Where do I go?”
“It could mean anything.”
“Like?”
“Like…you are Fred.”
“But, my name’s not Fred.”
“Maybe you should think about changing your name.”
“Maybe I need to think about changing my career.”
“No, no, no. You’re being too defeatist. That message could mean you are ffff – uhh – ffffffffffrigid. There you go. You are frigid. Maybe you need to see a sex counselor or something. Management is just looking out for your emotional well-being.”
“Okay, look. In the first place, if that really was supposed to mean frigid, there would have been a g in it.”
“Maybe the g is silent.”
“…Okay. In the second place, you may remember that Marcia left me six months ago when you decided to do an unscheduled remote from our bedroom in the middle of the night.”
“Great radio.”
“Lousy for relationships. I haven’t…been with a woman since then.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“OF COURSE YOU KNEW THAT! It’s been a running gag on the show since Marcia left me! It even got its own segment, with its own theme music: What Can We Do With Dick’s Dick?”
“Great radio.”
“Obviously not great enough. I’ve been fired. See?”
“Go hm? Management is asking you to hum on the air? That’s kind of a Prairie Home Companionish thing to do, but –”
“Go home! They’re telling me to go home. I’m finished.”
“You’re being too negative. Maybe…maybe they want you to…go ham.”
“Yeah. You need to punch up the humour, you know?
“Okay, you know what? [BLEEP] you, intern! You don’t add [BLEEP]ing [BLEEP] to this show! I mean, who the [BLEEP] are you? I can’t even remember your [BLEEP]ing name! You’re totally interchangeable with every other [BLEEP]ing intern we’ve ever had on this show, and, let me tell you something, we’ve had plenty!”
“…Oh. Ah…ha ha ha?”
“What am I going to do now? Telling lame jokes on the radio is the only thing I know how to do.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I’m not.”
“You can also laugh insincerely at the lame jokes other people tell on the radio.”
“Can you see me trying to perform at Yuk Yuk’s?”
“Ooh, that would be brutal.”
“You would totally die.”
“Okay, look, intern – another word from you and I’m going to beat you senseless with this microphone.”
“You don’t want to do that, Dick.”
“Oh, I really do.”
“No, you don’t. Management just sent you a message: not da mk!”
“Can I hit him with my Blackberry?”
“Well, let’s just…yeah. Go 4 it. That would be okay.”
“You see? You’re less important to this station than a [BLEEP]ing microphone!”
“Yeah, well, at least they want me here!”
“Okay, that’s it! Let me at him! Get out of the way, Dick. Kid’s been asking for it ever since he got here!”
“Bring it, you old fart! You think I’m afraid of you. I’ll wipe the floor with your sorry ass!”
“Great radio… Still, Dick, I think maybe you aught to cool down a little. Intern, why don’t you get me some coffee?”
“So I can take a little time out?”
“So I can drench my thirst. Man, great radio makes you parched!”
“I thought the little [BLEEP]er would never leave!”
“Okay. Goooooooood morning Toronto! This is Evan ‘Dick’ Lamanchuck…”
“And, this was Michaelangelo ‘Dick’ Tremonte…”
“And, you’re still listening to 95 point two two C-D-I-K FM – Dick Radio, where you’re never more than two minutes away from more of our annoying chatter. When we come back, I think a little ‘Desperado’ might be in order…”